I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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