My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
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