I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
