i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
