I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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