i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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