She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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