I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
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my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
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National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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