I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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