ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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