Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
