You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
