I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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