I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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