I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
