tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
