I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
