I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
