He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
