oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
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she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
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You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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