i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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