Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My dick has a subreddit
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
