don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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