i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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