Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
