I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
