You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
