i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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