five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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