What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
