I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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