I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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