My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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