I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
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When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
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Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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