Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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