Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
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how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
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I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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