i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
