I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
