i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
