i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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