I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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