my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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