I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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