I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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