remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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