just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
