Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
