why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
if only i could text you this smell
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
