if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
