My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
