Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
