It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
