Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
