can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
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We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
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The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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