either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
