Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
then he tried to convert me to islam
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
