Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
