Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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